The half-truths, omissions, and outright lies about floating through law school.

Exam morning

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The alarm rings but it doesn't matter because I have been awake for almost an hour already, staring at the crack in the ceiling that might or might not be there. Pleading standards, policy points, presumptions and assertions that's all I can think about. Well not quite, there is also the paralyzing fear of fucking this up somehow. I know I shouldn't care and that I have already run the gauntlet and did what I had to do when it mattered and now, well I don't know why I am wrapped up in stress; habit perhaps?

I run to the bathroom as I realize that my fear of shitting the bed figuratively might become realized literally. Then I am in the shower trying to wake up and feel clean and sleek and ready. I pace around like a caged animal trying to compose myself. I look at my outline. It might not be much to look at but it has everything I need to know and more importantly organized in a way where everything is accessible within seconds. Law, cases, rules, policy, connections, dissents, history, developments, all cross-referenced, indexed, in 10 point font.

I walk into the room and sit down. The 3Ls are busy assuring each other that they like totally didn't study at all. The foreign kids are nervously thumping through voluminous notes that won't help them much in a few minutes. The weird old woman is organizing her outline collection next to her and a strange calm falls over me. I think of all of the missed nights, the ignored friends, the lost connections, the forgotten crises, the missed ups and downs of being young and in New York and I am pissed off. I am mad about the late nights, the stress, the piles of commercial guides, the sheer inhuman fucking effort it took to make the outline I am holding in my hand from bits and pieces of other lesser works. And as the proctor gets through the instructions I have now heard almost a dozen times I am so full of energy and stress and pain and rage that there is no doubt. I am ready to do what I came here to do and climb the moutain faster than anyone else in here. There is no fucking doubt now.


At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have the same feeling before an exam. But why? I finished first year with the grades I wanted, and I finished 2L recruiting with the job I wanted. So why do I get so crazed, angry, anxious, ready to destroy the exam etc. before a final at this point? Am I such a competitive SOB that I have to continue to pummel my classmates further down the curve, even though it doesn't really matter that much now?

At 9:53 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"Am I such a competitive SOB that I have to continue to pummel my classmates further down the curve, even though it doesn't really matter that much now?"

Yes. Yes you are.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Vote for this Site!