AnonymousLawStudent

The half-truths, omissions, and outright lies about floating through law school.

Monday 02/14/05

Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentine's day! A day to ponder why you are single but more importantly for the wiley among us, a day of opportunity. Sometime after college graduation the prospect of getting old alone in a tiny Manhattan apartment becomes a frightening thought for a lot of women. A lot of young women. A lot of hot women. And now is the time to act on that. It's like a market correction. If they are single they are depressed and think that something is wrong with them. A guide to evaluating her "desperation" scale following V-day:

-Recently broke up with her boyfriend: +2 points. This one is obvious. Re-bound.
-Years of age >25: +1 point. That clock only goes one way.
-Had a boyfriend this time last year: +1 point. Even if she was over it before, today will make her all melancholy again. If you ARE the ex-boyfriend, give yourself like fifty points. Unless you were physically abusive you can probably ride back into town for one last go-around with a low-level flower investment.
-Mentions casually about how much Valentine's day "sucks":+1 point. Yes, you are the ONE female in the world that hates V-day. Either that or you are bitter and lonely.
-At an "anti-Valentine's day" party: +1 point. A gathering of the bitter and lonely. And probably horny.
-Has been living in New York for more than 2 years: -2 points. Has probably gotten jaded by now. Better let this one go.
-Works in "media":+1 point. That's not a real profession, it's a way to bide your time before finding a man to latch onto.
-Has been on a blind date within last month:+2 points. This is the low-hanging fruit of the dating scene. Be the smart monkey and get at it.
-Has been hitting the gym with an increased 25% or more intensity in last 3 months: +1 point. Is she trying to turn her fortune around with a reduction of the old posterior? I say yes.
-Has had a close friend get engaged in last 3 months: +2 points. This one will get them pretty riled up. Extra points if they aren't REALLY friends and are "fake friends" that are superficially nice to each other but really bitchy when apart.

Anything over 5 on the scale is what you should be targeting in the following week. The world is yours to conquer, young man!

12 Comments:

At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a single female, I feel like I should be offended by this post, but it's just too frightingly accurate. (6 points, btw)

 
At 3:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those words are pearls of wisdom.

I see a +6(easily in my league) and a +8(a little reach) nearby. What is the best course of action?

1. Go for the +8 because 8>6.
2. Go for the +6 because it's a bird in the hand.
3. Go for +8 AND +6 because 14>8+6 (the menage is greater than the sum of its parts).

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"I see a +6(easily in my league) and a +8(a little reach) nearby. What is the best course of action?"

I say go for the 8 pointer out of your league. It's the time of the year to play with house money.

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"As a single female, I feel like I should be offended by this post, but it's just too frightingly accurate. (6 points, btw) "

The AnonymousLawStudent blog...now endorsed by single females!

6 points is not too bad. I mean...wanna go to a wine bar?

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger Law Slave said...

Is this posting your proof to everyone that you aren't gay????

And - i scored a 9 (added 4pts b/c my best friend just got married) - but not so deperate to go on any dates with any losers this week. So, good luck to every guy that tries.

I am too busy with law school and trying to find a "trophy husband."

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"Is this posting your proof to everyone that you aren't gay????"

Yes you got me. Look, world I am talking about babes, I can't be gay.

"And - i scored a 9...trying to find a "trophy husband." With a little creative editing, my theory holds up!

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger Law Slave said...

Your theory definitely does not hold up, sometimes a girl just needs to be single. Right now is one of those times. -9 points for a cheating liar. Enough said. Contrary to your theory, that does not make a girl "desperate." I am not turned off to guys - I am just waiting until I find one that isn't a waste of my time - so, if that guy comes tomorrow - then I am all for it. "Trophy husband" - was a mock to your last post! And - I don't think you are gay - you actually remind me of one of my friends who is very not gay. Funny - I wouldn't be surprised if you go to the same law school.

 
At 11:14 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"Your theory definitely does not hold up"

You know they say the same thing about evolution below the Mason-Dixon line.

And we have one vote for NOT gay!

 
At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot a category, although it may be a sub-category:

A woman whose younger sister recently got engaged. This is like the DEFCON 5 of dating.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"A woman whose younger sister recently got engaged. This is like the DEFCON 5 of dating."

If she survives the intial sucidal urge, I agree.

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Peatey said...

"This is like the DEFCON 5 of dating."

Let's keep the Armageddon imagery accurate. DEFCON 5 is normal peacetime readiness. What you want to say is DEFCON 1, maximum force readiness.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"Let's keep the Armageddon imagery accurate. DEFCON 5 is normal peacetime readiness. What you want to say is DEFCON 1, maximum force readiness."

From now on, nothing but the Department of Homeland Security color chart.

 

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