The half-truths, omissions, and outright lies about floating through law school.

Summer Class

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I got a friendly email from the firm I will be lunching at this summer over the weekend, no less, announcing the members of our "class" and some other administrative to do. I knew a couple of people from this school and one or two names slithered through the cracks of memory from the Anonymous Alma Mater. Good kids, all of them. Thankfully there weren't any of the older, "nontraditional" crowd. And by that, of course, I mean many of the geezers who flamed out in their first career and marched on down to law school to try again. Man are they a sorry bunch. Mostly because they won't shut up about how great cave digging/free-lance journalism/business ownership/museum curatorship was. Oh, the war tales they have. Of course if they are so fucking successful what are they doing in school with the likes of me, taking on $150,000 in debt and foregone earnings?

Every incoming 1L under 30 should get a translation chart to deal with this crowd. Stating "occupation" that a fellow classmate will announce and what it really means. Something along the lines of:

"Consultant": Someone who looked good in a suit but didn't do very much.
"Author": did a lot of drugs, traveled through some ski resorts.
"Free lance journalist": worse drugs, less impressive ski resorts, much more sex with strangers.
"I-banker": poor schlob who was only employable during the 90s when all it took was a pulse and ability not to fart in meetings to be in at a bulge bank.
"Movie producer": lived near L.A., may or may not have actually been near a movie lot.
"Owned my own business": owe a lot of money to a lot of people. No chance of a home mortgage any time son.
"In sales": the less successful character from Glengary, Glenross.
"Worked for family business": ran family business into ground.
"College professor":fucked and undergrad and had to leave in a hurry.
"Worked on the Hill": answered phone for someone who was important, did a lot of coke in bathroom of Georgetown bars.
"Worked for a non-profit": just turn around from this person and walk away.
"Pharmaceutical company": sold a lot of questionable chemicals during boom times, fired when sales staff made way for lawyers.
"Management in corporation X": fired for incompetence/sheer stupidity/inability to add.
"Computer technician/consultant/PhD": not very good with computers despite creditials, will not be very good at the law thing either.
"Paralegal": the equivalent of a law fluffer. Not a lot of leadership potential here.
"Worked for the government": managed to moved out of an field that lives on its own ineptitude.


At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, that's typical day-care-student/baby-lawyer b.s. there. I'm a second-career lawyer and recent graduate of a nighttime J.D. program. We often had classes with the day-care-students. Thanks to going at night, I have a total of $15k in debt, not $150k. I'm paying that myself, not my parents. True, I do have "war" stories from my previous life but, objectively considered, I think they are more entertaining than day-care-student stories, which tended to focus on a) getting drunk the night before, and b) getting laid. They needed that release of tension, see, 'cause they were SO tired because they were SO busy studying. Dealing with someone in their mid-20s is SO like being in high school again. Meanwhile, we night students, at least half of whom were in second careers, were married, paying mortgages, and raising children. One of my classmates had two babies while she studied. A couple other night students in second careers got activated into the Reserves to go fight in Iraq and still graduated on time. Granted, there were some older Twinkies in my class, too, but they weren't any worse than the average law school idiot. At least three years down the line when baby-lawyers like you burn out because you can't go the distance, we won't have to work with you, so that's a plus.

At 6:10 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"I'm a second-career lawyer and recent graduate of a nighttime J.D. program."

Well that, my friend is your first problem. Also, how exactly is having babies and all of that crap going to make you a better attorney? And finally, I see that you didn't bother refuting my central premise: "second career" is a euphimism for "I shat the bed the first time around."

Thanks for stopping by, old timer!

At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, so young. And it shows.

At 11:14 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"Oh, so young. And it shows."

Well since you are a "second career" lawyer, what shall your third career be? I see selling timeshares near Ft. Lauterdale in your future.

At 7:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At the end of the day, I am an honors graduate of a top-tier law school who could pay off his school loans with his home equity line of credit (if I wanted to convert an unsecured debt into a secured debt and wasn't thinking of some improvements to my home), have passed the bar, have been admitted to practice before the highest court of my state, and am clerking for a federal judge at the highest pay grade possible because my prior salary from my prior life was so substantial. You, however, have not achieved any of those things. You are merely a wannabe. And, as you lack any qualities but your smug, yet baseless, self-satisfaction, I rather doubt you have much to contribute to the conversation during your classes either.

At 8:46 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"At the end of the day"

At the end of the day, my dull-witted friend, I have a whole lot more days left ahead of me.

But good luck with your home equity loans or whatever it is you are using to finance your existence.

At 4:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Wannabe,

Here is the story of one of the "failures" you have described. May you fail so well yourself someday:

Anna Escobedo Cabral, a second year student at the George Mason University School of Law, was sworn in on Dec. 13, 2004 as treasurer of the United States. She has taken a leave of absence from the law school. Cabral serves as director of the Smithsonian Institution's Center for Latino Initiatives. Previously, she was president and CEO of the Hispanic Corporation on Corporate Responsibility. Her career includes service as deputy staff director for the Senate Judiciary Committee. Cabral received her bachelor's degree in political science from the University of California, Davis, and a master's degree in public administration from the John F. Kennedy School of Government, Harvard University.

Anna Escobedo Cabral was nominated on July 22, 2004, by President Bush to serve as Treasurer of the United States. She was confirmed by the United States Senate on November 20, 2004.

Immediately prior to taking this office, Ms. Cabral served as Director of the Smithsonian Institution's Center for Latino Initiatives, where she led a pan-institutional effort to improve Latino representation in exhibits, and public programming among the Institution's 19 museums, five research centers, and the National Zoo. From 1999 to 2003, Ms. Cabral served as President and CEO of the Hispanic Association on Corporate Responsibility, a non-profit organization headquartered in Washington, DC, which partners with Fortune 500 companies to increase Hispanic representation in employment, procurement, philanthropy and governance. Under her leadership, the organization published a best practices series, and instituted a partnership with Harvard Business School to provide executive training programs in Corporate Governance Best Practices to community leaders.

From 1993 to 1999, Ms. Cabral served as Deputy Staff Director for the United States Senate Judiciary Committee under Chairman Orrin G. Hatch. The Committee's jurisdiction ranges from oversight of the Department of Justice and our nation's criminal and drug enforcement laws to approving federal judicial nominations, and it includes review of immigration, antitrust, patents and trademark, and technology-related legislation. In addition, she simultaneously served as Executive Staff Director of the U.S. Senate Republican Conference Task Force on Hispanic Affairs, a position she held since 1991. Ms. Cabral managed this task force of 25 senators dedicated to ensuring that the concerns and needs of the Hispanic community are addressed by Congress through legislation.

A native of California, Ms. Cabral majored in Political Science from the University of California, Davis, and earned a Master's degree in Public Administration with an emphasis in international trade and finance from the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University.

Ms. Cabral and her husband Victor have four children, Raquel, Viana, Catalina, and Victor Christopher.

At 11:57 AM, Blogger ALS said...

"Here is the story of one of the "failures" you have described. May you fail so well yourself someday:"

One story is supposed to prove exactly what? And what the hell is a U.S. treasurer anyway? Is that like being U.S. Accountant?

Good try though. I am glad to see those research skills you picked up in your night program are serving you well.

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too bad, shite-4-brains, but you cribbed that list from someone else. As if this blog didn't already suck just for being unfunny, it now additionally sucks for stealing lame-o jokes.


At 12:25 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"Too bad, shite-4-brains, but you cribbed that list from someone else. As if this blog didn't already suck just for being unfunny, it now additionally sucks for stealing lame-o jokes.


I think the correct spelling is "shit" as well as "haha." Unless you were going for a Nelson Muntz type thing.

At 3:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"shite" is the spelling of how we chicago irish say "shit".

haHA is my best keyboardist version of the laugh you describe, yes.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"we chicago irish"

Well you should really know shit then.

At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unfunny. Or were you going for lame, this time? Christ, one or the other adjective will work for most of the above blog posts.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger ALS said...

"Or were you going for lame, this time?"

Yes I was going for lame. OMG, how did you know???

At 1:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew by the fact that you posted your reply at 8am on a Saturday morning.

At 3:22 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"I knew by the fact that you posted your reply at 8am on a Saturday morning."

You are making a huge assumption, my friend.

At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your list isn't funny. :(

At 12:25 PM, Blogger ALS said...

"Your list isn't funny. :("


At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The list is funny. I agree that middle age losers should quit clogging up law school. Part-time law school is a joke. It's pathetic how this guy is trying to justify the loserdom part-time entails. Go back to selling encyclopedias.

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